So here I am sitting in the hotel room, getting ready for my last full day in the UK. I can’t sleep anymore. I’ve got so many things on my mind that I can never settle to get any rest. I have slept less than 8 hours in the last 3 days, and the entirety of the last 2 weeks has been this way. I guess everything has just been building up.
Being here, pretty much on my own, has led to me missing everything in my life even more now than ever. Yes, I’m here with 3 others, but there is no level that I can connect with them. 3 Hungarian girls, between 25-28, and I swear that on so many levels I am stuck with 15 year old high school girls. I’m finding more and more just how naive they really are. They are people that have never lived on their own; in 2 cases, never had a fulltime job and the responsibilities that come with it. I look at myself and those around me – and it just completely blows my mind away. True, Marti has never lived on her own, but she’s experienced living in the US for 3 months out of a year for over 10 years; an experience that, regardless of country, is life changing and opens your eyes. These girls have neither this experience nor, it seems, the ambition to find it. From what I’ve seen, the girls treat this the same way that most teenagers would treat class: with a half-hearted effort and a half-hearted care.
It’s impossible to strike up a serious conversation with any of them. Politics, economics, art, computers and geeky/nerdy stuff, news… hell, even the weather! Getting 1 sentence out of them is easy. Getting 2 or more is like pulling teeth.
They are just entering life. At 15 I had more experience with “the real world”, or at least had a clue, then they do now. I knew how to build things, how to take care of a garden, how to cook some things – how to take care of myself (except washing clothes – I’m still learning that one). I may not have wanted to do it then, and I may even act like a tard now and not want to do things, but I know how to do them and in some cases enjoy it – or at least knew enough to have a semi-decent conversation.
The simple idea of finding a level with people has gone by the wayside. The 4 of us could be in the IBM cafeteria, and after trying to strike up conversations on ANYTHING, they just go off into their own Hungarian, chitchat, gossipy world. It’s maddening and its driven me to be off on my own, knowing that, while I have to play the team part at work, it will only be a forced thing and it will be me fending for myself whilst the others fend for each other.
And this leads me to where I’m feeling now. I feel lost. I feel lonely. Above all, I miss everyone even more than I ever could have imagined.
I miss Marti. I miss being in Hungary with her. Even with all the things I want to bitch about and think or horrible or ass-backwards, I still miss it. Marti is my life and I can say that it hurts. It’s a different hurt than when I was home in the States because my family existed.
I miss mom and Jess. While the living arrangements were odd at times, I miss being able to hang out with them, just crash on the couch and watch a movie or have dinner together or go out and chill at Champions. We’ve all been through the whole “leaving the nest” thing, but we never moved that far away – and I’m really glad about that because mom and Jess are more than just family, they’re friends and I can actually talk to them about anything. I seriously never thought that would be possible after my asshole teenaged years, but life shocked the hell out of me.
I miss the rest of my family too – all of my friends. Just as mom and Jess are now friends and family, you guys are more family than anything to me. I miss having LAN parties when we could; playing darts with Jason, Dave; the unemployed 2 hour+ phone discussions with Jason about anything-goes geek and then some or the trips to the Apple Store in Tysons Corner because we wanted to oogle what the store had to offer; hanging out at Niso’s; sitting on the hatch of Chris’s truck in the Wal-Mart parking lot at 2:00am; the days/nights of hanging out with Rob and Brad for Trek and South Park or just for the helluva it; the tag-team play through of video games with Brad; Taco Nights with the house filled with a gazillion people, all friends; computer shows every weekend with whoever was game or needed computer parts or fixin’s – and adventure day in itself. It’s not often that you have so many friends that you truly know – I couldn’t count on two hands – and that just helps make life that much enjoyable and easier to go through.
And now I’m realizing that without any of the people that are in my life, without any contact with them since the net and phone situation has been nothing but crap, I am so alone.
The friendships I have, family and pseudo-family alike, are something that could never be replaced. Even being in Hungary and attempting to make friends there, it will never be the same. I’ve known everyone for years. Hell, Chris and I met in 7th grade; I’ve known most of the crew since ’93-’95 from ADS/KIS.Net. I’ve known Niso the shortest and even she’s the greatest old woman friend a 23 year old could have! (sorry Niso – had to =^_^= ).
I can dream about having friends in Hungary. I can dream and it seems that it will stay that way for the time being. Having a “curfew” of 9:30pm to catch the last bus to Fot makes it hard to even go out on “team activities” with work, let alone hanging out with people outside of work. Marti’s friends are exactly that, Marti’s friends. I get along well with them, but I don’t have those ties with them – not to mention a few of them are afraid to talk to me in English for more than 1 sentence or so because OMG It’s my native language!
It’s 1:00am, so I should try to get some sleep or fool myself into thinking I can sleep. I just miss everything and everyone that I have had in my life that are suddenly not there, even though they still are.
To all of you, I miss you and love you.